You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
All the doctor said was why
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
