i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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