i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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