i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
