Me. At least after what I've been through.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
