Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
