i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
