he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize