she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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