I can't breathe out the right side of my face
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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