You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
