I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
