Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
