i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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