the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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