if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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