So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
