Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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