I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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