Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
