have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
