:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
