Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
