UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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