I got chris browned last night
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
