FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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