When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
