Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
