I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize