first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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