My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
