So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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