How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize