I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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