Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize
