I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
