Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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