too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
