If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
