Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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