You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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