I think I won the penis lottery.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
