are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
