so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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