Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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