It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Randomize
