Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
