she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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