She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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