My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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