The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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