ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
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