No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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