dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
