hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
