$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
