man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
