My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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