I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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