i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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