I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
