Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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