I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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