If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
