got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
