I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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